Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Sometimes You Just Have To Have Hope

Imagine. A lifetime of storms between you and someone else like a sibling. There are too many disagreements and too many times when you have questioned the sanity of the other person. It seems that no matter what happens, there can be no calm, no peace, and no trust. Being civil to that person is the hardest thing that you can try to do but that isnt even acceptable. Not acceptable to you because you know you are playing a rough game. If you knew this person or met this person on the street, you wouldnt even talk to them or acknowledge their exsistence. But you arent that lucky because they are related to you, immediate family.
Their whole exsistence they have fought against you and they have taken any chances that you have given them and threw them back into your face. They want you to look bad and so they create this story about you or this impression of you to people that you dont even know. You dont even like this person but they are your family. You dont confide in them because you cant trust them.
Things that you have gone through in your life and feel as though you have triumphed over, they make your weakness and and try to use against you so that you look even worse as a person. You think that there is not much left that they can say or do to you but then something else comes up that you didnt anticipate and once again you are left shocked and angry.
Also imagine at this time that this person had two things about them that you wanted to be a part of. Two children and for the first couple years of their lives you got that chance to know those children and then, for reason you dont know or cant comprehend, they are taken out of your life. You have somehow not become worthy and you dont completely understand why. You have heard things like something that was in your past caused the seperation but you wouldnt think that would be the reason because in that point in your life, you triumphed and survived. You faced extradinary odds and you pushed forward. You knew that God was behind you and you managed to make it.
That person in your life though took a different spin on it and what became something you survived and learned about in your life was used in a way that took away things that you loved. Now, over a period of six years or so, you know that those children are there and they are growing but you cant communicate or see them. It breaks your heart but you try to consider the person that caused that and all the things they have done to you to make it impossible to have a relationship with two growing kids.
You try and bide your time and you think that with each passing year that there is hope that you are closer to getting to become a part of their lives. But that year passes with disappointment and more questions that cant be answered and in the meantime, this person who you dont really like or have respect or trust in, still continues to do things that effect the family and you. You finally have decided that you have had enough and you cut the ties to this person.
You make a choice that you think will be a good thing. You couldnt trust the person who made the choices for you in the lives of the children you so long to see and talk to. That person is vindictive and hurtful and so you decide that since you couldnt trust this person, you extend your hand to someone who has the power to let you communicate with the children. You send what you consider a truthful letter and state the facts as you know them. You commend the person who has been taking care of the children all these years because the person who should have been lost their chance many years ago because of actions you dont know about.
But the letter that you had hoped would be a link and possibly give you some chance of communicating with those children who are now teenagers, turns out to cause more problems. Now you recieve a horribly nasty response from the sibling that has caused so much heartache and grief. The person who could have cared less about their own children because they were an inconvience in their life. The person who had a hand in deciding that you cant see these kids and they continue to pull things out of the air to make you look bad and try to cause discord in the lives of the people that you are close to. This person has set in stone now that the letter you have written was turned over to them and now you will never see those kids. You arent heart broken over the loss of the relationship with this sibling because you cut your ties to them long ago but you are heartbroken over the statement that you will never see the kids and that they now dont ever want to see you again.
You arent sorry that you wrote the letter because you didnt do it for the sibling that you dont get along with. You took a chance for the kids you havent been able to have a relationship with in seven years.
Its okay though because you realize that sometimes you just have to have hope. You imagine that sometime in the future, when those two children are older that there might be a chance they will look you up and want to find you and be a part of your life. You hope that their minds werent polluted over the years with lies about you and your family and that they will want answers from you.
You also realize that now is the time to take all the things that this sibling has done and all the hurtful thngs they have said and all the lies that you know about, because you know there are many that you dont and create a crate in your mind and dump all that in the crate and nail it shut. Its unfortante that you cant forget that this sibling exsists but you decide that enough is enough once again and you are closing that chapter in your life and so you write them out of your life.
Not only was the horrible letter you recieved in response to the letter you sent one of the final nails in that crate but you out of curiousity check a page on a social network that they use and find this statement on their front page "XXXXXXXX is pulling the STUPID reins back on the jackasses in my life! I hate stupid people! "
You realize that you arent even angry anymore, you realize that you just dont care anymore what this person thinks or says. This person wants to make it public and advertise everything to everyone. Thats okay but the people who are closest to you and your family, know the truth and above all God knows the truth and you have decided that you are content with that.

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